Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
