i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
