in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im on a boat
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