I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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