youre lurking in front of me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i love accidental penises.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
