Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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