Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
