if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
