No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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