the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
