you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
