wrigley field is MILF paradise
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
