He uses pillows to masturbate.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
