Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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