since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
