My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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