life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize