if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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