her vagine was all disorganized.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize