So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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