Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Randomize
