i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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