these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
