I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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