so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it glows. i had to have it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
