She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
