how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
