woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
