Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
