i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
