I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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