I intend to get homeless drunk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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