dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
