Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
