just come out here and I will go home with you...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize