Your face is a jimmy john
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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