Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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