After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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