Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
