I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
