At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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