Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
