the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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