you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
