Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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