This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
