and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
