I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
