do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
