I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
