Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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