a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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