one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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