swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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