Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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