just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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