I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
