Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
