i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
