I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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