I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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