If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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